The Funeral Industry is toxic, my colleagues crossed boundaries to humiliate, defame, and destroy me- let’s talk about it.

For a career that is supposed to be compassionate and so in tune to others feelings, the mockery and comments in public and behind closed forums speaks volumes. 

Most would think anyone drawn to work in death care would be empathetic.

For as many of us that fall into that category, just as many are cut-throat, money driven, and behind the scenes toxic to deal with.

My name is Melissa. 

I have worked in funeral care since 1997, and the experiences I share are real. 

After becoming a licensed funeral director and embalmer in 2013, I began to question the status quo of funeral offerings, openly questioning upselling and marketing I began to see as I was immersed in the funeral service field. Around 2015 I established an online presence known as The Modern Mortician and my “platform” has been education and advocacy for those wanting alternatives that resonate with them at end-of-life. 

As we come to a close on Mental Health Awareness month of 2024, I wanted to share something that happened to me personally, and hopefully help others struggling to recognize their burnout before it becomes a breakdown.

I have been suffering with challenges from an undiagnosed disability for the last 6 years. If you've ever followed me on social media or worked with me, it's been obvious. 

If you reached out with concerns, you were a light in the darkness. 

The last 4 years, my mental health has been in noticeable decline. Bad business partners, Low Pay, No PTO, and little or no Medical Insurance have taken their toll, coupled with a pandemic that rocked the foundations of the funeral industry to its core. 

Timeline-

2015: start up in ATX, DL- great insurance, good job.

2016-2019: After DL failed, I had already established a reputation, therefore traditional employers wouldn’t hire me. I had to work for what I now term as The  Undesirables. Removal Companies, Strip Mall Crematories, Decedent Transport. I even worked overnights one Texas summer at a crematory.

2019- 2020: GCT start up, Covid not taken seriously, no time off, only employee, driving ATX to SA. No insurance. Paid for therapy with a UT grad student, made me realize I had to look out for me. Started reaching out to online connections to look for work out of Texas. Made a list of what I wanted, legal options, good temperature, nature.  I needed healthcare to address old concerns and new emerging concerns. 

Oct 2020 moved to WA, for the good insurance, double the pay, more traditional job, but HORRIFIC management. Verbally abusive, patriarchal. One weekday off every 14 days, and oftentimes those off days didn’t have enough staff coverage, so you had to work or be prepared to be called in. We were not allowed to make dr appts M-F working hours. I found a therapist and I had just started seeing specialists and getting medicated when….

Summer 2021 FIRED. 

Fall 2021 HIRED at Corporate. Good insurance, awful management, excessive overtime.

Early Spring 2022 FIRED 2 days shy of Union protection. 

Late Spring 2022 HIRED rural area, no insurance or PTO.

Fall 2022 FIRED. He would not disclose why. Here’s why.

WSFDA had a call out for nominations for FD of the year, etc. I reached out to 4 families I had cared for and asked for their nominations to the association.  The night of the awards came, and I was not even recognized via email to even consider attending the awards.  I texted an individual I had been friends with. Asked about the selection process.  Their curt answers cut quick that night, and after my second glass of wine, I sent venomous voice memos. Called the awards rigged (I still think they are) Called them a See You Next Tuesday. Never threatened violence.  Just said a lot of FUCK YOUS and closed with ending the “friendship”.

This person reported to my current employer that I threatened them, and now I was unemployed and isolated.

I was on my way to Maryland when Unemployment told me why I was fired.  I called the person responsible for my termination and told them I knew what they did, and it was ON SITE when I saw them at the convention. 

Despite me coming to my senses after my flight and texting a curt note to this same snake saying we had to work and exist in the same professional spaces, so they no longer existed to me, apologies only for my outburst.

They turned around and filed an anti-harassment on me two weeks later, claiming I threatened their life. I took it on the chin, as I wanted to be nowhere near them.

Now go back to early 2022…. Before I was hired for the CORPORATE gig, I interviewed for a start up funeral provider that offered an alternative service. In my interview, in an effort to be transparent, I divulged information about my mental health, which would later be disclosed publicly to other professionals in a facebook forum. After this interview, I did not feel this company would be a good fit for me, and I withdrew my application. I then coached the person who would go on to interview after me and accept the position. This individual would later gaslight me, GET ME FIRED, then utilize legal abuse to silence me. Unfortunately for them, the first few times THEY weren’t smart enough to post their allegations Anonymously.

The state licensing department began to get complaints on my professional license from my former employer and this former friend. I had moved forward and started a non profit called The End Foundation, and was working toward establishing an entity that could eventually help others establish conservation burial parks for people and pets. In addition to this, my former employer made a claim to the local authorities that I had stolen a casket from him by way of misdelivery. The reality is that NEVER happened.  Instead of being asked outright by any legal authority, and given the opportunity to present proof of who provided the caskets in question to me, the county prosecuting atty had me summoned into court and I found myself entangled in the legal system. Never given a chance to speak for myself, only through an overworked and inexperienced court appointed defense did I have any hope of getting a word in edgewise, who ended up failing me time and again, dragging something with a simple explanation into an 8 month ordeal.  I had wanted to go to court. I wanted to proclaim my innocence and answer to only the mistakes I had genuinely made. All the while I was losing my housing, my income, my non profit, and suffering attacks both professionally and personally. 

I was hospitalized for the first time to address my mental well being in August of 2023. I would come out with three additional anti harassment orders thrown my way in another attempt to hush me, and I conceded, not fighting back or defending myself, as, again, I wanted NOTHING to do with the individuals involved.

In October of 2023, in Pacific County Courthouse backrooms, I was coerced into signing a plea agreement for one felony out of the 14 they had levied against me over this ordeal. Clearly under duress, crying, and repeatedly stating “this is not what happened, I didn't do this”. I actually do have a witness to that incident with my public defender, however it doesn't help much beyond having someone to say, Yes I saw that happen. 

While serving 25 days in local jail as a result of my plea and the addition of blasphemous letters from the “community” -which in truth was nothing more than my (4) abusers who silenced me twisting the knife. At this point my haters joined forces and left scathing posts on Reddit and multiple Facebook Groups. Once released and even after settling back into safety, it took me months to be able to read, much less respond to a few of the defamatory statements and allegations. Guess who was the leader of the posts.  Mr CEO themself.

At the conclusion of 2023, I gave up trying to save my small business, and closed my non profit. I made my mental health and my dog my number one priority. 

I am now able to see a psychiatrist once a month, and speak to a therapist 2xs a week. This has helped start to scratch the surface of the trauma I also endured by my employers throughout the covid pandemic from mistreatment and mishandling of remains, to total disregard for personal time and boundaries.

My plight isn't over but things are certainly much more stable. Some of my burnout and trauma symptoms manifested as illness, reclusive tendencies, tremors, crying when speaking, trouble sleeping,. Ruminating, experiencing executive dysfunction and moments I felt frozen. My biggest lesson is that not everyone that you are a friend to is a friend to you. Some people want to see you fail. There’s nothing you can do about it. Jealousy converts to hatred, and when you’re making a difference, haters gonna hate hard.

Some of the coping mechanisms I have learned through this experience and practice now are following a routine. I wake with sunrise, roll onto the floor for stretches and dog scritches, then make my way onto the porch for birdsong and morning coffee. I write my to do list for the day, consult with my calendar for appointments, and will sometimes spend a few minutes in meditation. Daily walks or enrichment activities with my dog are always a bonus to my new days of caring for myself.

Being a Funeral Professional and an activist… those things didn't work in tandem for me as I had hoped. Speaking up will make you lose followers, opportunities, and rub some the wrong way, especially when you're honest. My passion lies in activism and education, I don't need to maintain a funeral director license for that.

In closing, what did not kill me certainly made me stronger. Those who set out to destroy me only cleared a path for new and better things to come to me. 

I don’t need gratification from others, I recognize it all around me. I have and always will be here as a resource to those that need me. The best is yet to come. Take care!